Sender: oracle@cs.indiana.edu Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu by arl-img-2.compuserve.com (8.6.10/5.950515) id VAA07347; Fri, 19 May 1995 21:41:24 -0400 Message-Id: <199505200141.VAA07347@arl-img-2.compuserve.com> Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.10/9.4jsm) id UAA09373; Fri, 19 May 1995 20:41:23 -0500 Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 20:41:23 -0500 From: "The Usenet Oracle" Subject: Answer #Qa09314, the Oracle requires an answer to this question. To: Duane Bristow <72711.1414@compuserve.com> The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > Will I ever pay ALL my credit cards off? To answer your question your diligent Oracle made a great pilgrimage to a place of hot air and mirages. There on a high hill his 535 learned advisors hold forth. Behold, these are not just learned advisors but those chosen from all the aspiring learned advisors for the quality of wisdom which drippith forth from their lips. There your Oracle found that the advisors were encamped in two great tents, the tent of the elephant and the tent of the donkey. Because the followers of the elephant had the Majority and they had the Contract, your Oracle first consulted with them. He was admitted to the tent by the Doleful one flanked by his Newtiness. After proper drinks and smokes we got down to business. Your Oracle found that both camps of learned advisors agree that your problem is that you are spending beyond your income and that as a result of this your interest payments are too high. The disagreement comes, however, concerning what you should do about this. The followers of the elephant say that you first must balance your income and spending by getting your deficit down to zero within seven years. They note that your income comes from your day job with the wealthy industrialist, Mr. Gotrocks, downtown and from your night job as a grocery boy for the neighborhood grocer, Mr. Jones. To increase your income they recommend the following course of action. First you must make Mr. Gotrocks richer, so that maybe in the future he can afford to pay you more. To do this you must tell him that you will now take a cut in pay and work for him more hours per day. To get the extra time to work for Mr. Gotrocks you will have to cut back a little on your work for Mr. Jones and you will have to completely cut out the hour per day you spend helping the homeless family in the park across the street. You should realize that they will never amount to anything anyway. It should be said that a small minority of the followers of the elephant feel that you should wait until you have eliminated your deficit in seven years to take your cut in pay from Mr. Gotrocks. They feel that he will get rich enough for now just from your increased service to him. Now as to your spending and your lifestyle. You have in your household your aging parents who are unemployed and who, as they age, will have increasing medical problems. Because you do not have a health plan and cannot afford one in light of your debts, you must tell your parents that they will be limited in how much can be spent for medical care. For the next seven years they must cut down on visits to the doctor and part of the times that they are sick they will simply have to suffer at home. You live in a house with air conditioning, heating, and hot and cold running water as well as a big back yard where your children run and play. You must realize that you can no longer afford this and must move into a smaller house with no yard, no air conditioning, and cold water only. You and your family will simply have to learn to live with more smog, lower water quality, and less outdoor space. If necessary the kids can get by with two meals per day instead of three. Let them have catsup, hot water, and crackers for lunch. You have been renting a video of Shakespeare's plays every Saturday night to watch with your family. You can not afford this and now must make do with the TV available on cable. Anyway, the plays of Shakespeare are unsuitable for young kids because they have a liberal bias and because they sometimes discuss subjects of a sexual nature. Cable is much better. You should buy more guns to defend yourself and your household, particularly in light of the neighborhood into which you will be moving. It is noted that you have been keeping your teen aged daughter supplied with condoms. This is an unnecessary and immoral expense and should be stopped. Just tell her that she can't see boys anymore and that if you get any unexpected grand- children that you will throw both her and them out of the house. Tell her she must get a job. You have been paying dues to a neighborhood watch committee which is trying to improve the community. This must be stopped. You can't afford it and besides your neighbors may try to tell you what to do if you keep talking with them. The followers of the elephant assure your Oracle that if you will do all these things, you will eliminate your deficit by 2002 and can then begin to pay off your credit cards. The followers of the donkey have a different view. They first ask, "Why is it necessary to pay off the credit cards so soon?" They believe that one must live life to the fullest. Although it is inconvenient to have to pay about 1/3 of one's income in interest, it is painful to reduce the deficit quickly. Also, long term solutions can sometimes require even greater expenses in the near term. As to income the followers of the donkey suggest less work for Mr. Gotrocks and a request for more pay. "He can afford it." They say. The extra time gained from the day job should be put into giving even better service to Mr. Jones and helping the homeless family more so that they too can someday have a home. They feel it is essential that money be spent now on a health care plan so that your family can have adequate health care in the future. They also think that money should be spent on additional job training so that Mr. Gotrocks will give you a promotion or so that you can get a better job elsewhere. They suggest raising more money by selling some of the guns you already have and using the money to help the neighborhood association and to buy condoms for your teen aged son as well as your daughter. They also think that using some of this money for renting Shakespeare videos and planting trees in your back yard would be a good idea. With the plan advocated by the donkeys you may or may not pay off your credit cards but that decision can be postponed for a few years anyway. You will live much better, but watch out for those interest payments. They may sneak up on you. For this erudite advice you owe the Oracle all your old credit cards to be used to plaster the Oracle's swimming pool.