Paw Paw's stories copyright 1995 by Duane Bristow
"Why then,", I asked, "didn't you just buy enough to last until spring?"
"Why, I might die before spring," she exclaimed, "and not need that much."
"Why, because", said Dad, "that their family is so large that they won't all fit in that house at once, and so, they have to take turns sitting in the car."
This summer some oil speculators came around and paid me for rights to drill a hole to explore for oil in the back field up next to Sewell mountain. In a couple of weeks they brought in a drilling rig and in four days had drilled a hole about eight inches in diameter 1,875 feet into the ground. They hit lots of rock and no oil.
Charlie looked at the hole and said, "You know, if we were to cut that up into two foot lengths, we'd have over 900 fence post holes and that would build a lot of fence." After discussion for a while Charlie and I decided that if we ever again leased for oil, we'd have it in the lease that if no oil was hit the oil men would be required to cut the hole into fence post hole lengths.
"Well, you see", I said, "Charlie and I have worked together for years and we jointly make decisions like when to mow hay so it doesn't get wet or when to sow the tobacco beds. If something went wrong and the hay got wet or the tobacco plants got frost bitten, we'd argue about who made the decision and was to blame. We finally decided that arguing about blame was foolish and that from then on we'd just take turns taking the blame. A cow died the other day and Charlie took the blame, so it's my turn next."
"So", Charlie said, "they sat there for an hour in the cold while I stripped tobacco. They knew they weren't getting paid for sitting and they were cold. But they were entitled to an hour for lunch and they weren't going to let anyone beat them out of it."
One day I sent Earl with a load of wood to a house in the Nolan subdivision in town. A few minutes after he left I got a call from a local lawyer. He, too, wanted a load of firewood. I explained that the truck was now making a delivery but that I would send him a load as soon as it returned.
About twenty minutes later the lawyer called back. "How'd you do that?", he said.
"What?", I replied.
"Why, deliver that wood so soon. As I hung up the phone from talking to you a few minutes ago, your truck pulled into my driveway and the young man said that he had a load of wood for me that you had sent."
After he returned Earl and I figured out that he had misunderstood the instructions and had gone to the wrong street in the subdivision and to the third brick house on that street. It turned out to be the lawyer's house and he was just placing his wood order as Earl pulled into his driveway. After that we had a reputation for prompt service for quite some time.
That made Earl so mad that he stopped the tractor, got off, and spent the next five minutes kicking the disk. I guess the disk was kind of stupid to have run over that hose.
"Maybe even two books.", I allowed.
One day the instructor asked Cece a hypothetical question. He asked, "Cecil, suppose you are driving your heavily loaded semi and you have started down a long hill. You push on your brakes and find you have none. You look at the bottom of the hill and see an intersection and a railroad track. A train is coming and a school bus full of children is approaching the intersection. Your truck is gaining speed and you can't stop. What will you do?"
Cece looked properly horrified. Then he answered, "I guess I'd reach over into the sleeper and wake up Si."
"Why would you do that?", the instructor wondered.
"Well sir", Cece said, "Si ain't never seen no really bad wreck!"
"Well, that's not too bad.", Si allowed, "After all, Cincinnati ain't no really big town."
"Well", said Mr. Cross, "Why didn't you just buy it from him then?"
"Because he doesn't have any.", replied Si.
"I could sell it to you for six dollars if I didn't have any", said Mr. Cross, "but since I do have them the price is eight dollars."
Sometime later Uncle Herschel and Aunt Martha went to her parents' home for Sunday dinner. When the roast was served Uncle Herschel noticed that the end had been cut off before it was cooked. Uncle Herschel asked Aunt Martha's mother why she did that. "Because", she said, "my mother always cut the end off and she taught me to do it that way." Uncle Herschel shrugged.
At Christmas Uncle Herschel and Aunt Martha were at the home of Aunt Martha's grandmother. Uncle Herschel was in the kitchen and noticed the grandmother cutting the end off a roast. Uncle Herschel asked why she did that. She replied, "When I first got married, we went out and bought utensils to set up housekeeping. I got a roast pan that was too small. So I've always had to cut the end off the roast to get it to fit in my pan."
Anyway, Mr. Tallent always spoke softly and tended to repeat himself. At that time Fred Shearer from nearby Monticello had just opened a meat market on the square down the block and across the street from Mr. Tallent's shoe shop. Mr. Shearer came into Mr. Tallent's shop one day with a loose heel on his shoe and asked Mr. Tallent to fix it. So Mr. Shearer took off his shoe and Mr. Tallent nailed the heel back tightly in place.
Mr. Tallent handed the shoe to Mr. Shearer and said, "That'll be a nickel. That'll be a nickel."
Mr. Shearer stuck his hand into his pocket and suddenly realized that he didn't have any money with him. He said, "I don't have any money with me. I'll run across the street to my store and get your nickel."
Mr. Tallent said, "That's fine. Leave the shoe 'til you get the money. Just leave the shoe 'til you get the money."
Mr. Riley handed him a dollar and Mr. Tallent gave him fifty cents change. Mr. Riley turned to leave the shop and sticking his hand into his pocket pulled out the fifty cents. He turned to Mr. Tallent and said, "I didn't realize I had fifty cents. Here, I'll just give you the fifty cents and you can return my dollar."
Mr. Tallent did.
Later that day Mr. Tallent must have thought the transaction over because when he closed his shop that afternoon, he immediately went into Jim Riley's store mad as a wet hen. He walked up to Jim Riley and said, "You didn't pay me a cent, didn't pay me a cent."
That's the only time I have ever felt sorry for a rattlesnake. It had the misfortune to be in the path of ten scared hardened criminals all carrying axes and other cutting tools.
Mattie said that she had noticed all her life that the rows on the outside of the tobacco patch always had much smaller tobacco than the interior rows and so they weren't worth much. She said she figured that this year she would just leave the outside rows off and not set them in plants since they never did very well anyway.
Perry was acquitted.
At the meeting a local businessman rose to criticize the tax and the school board. He said, "These people are trying to pull the wool over your eyes, folks. They say they are only imposing a 3% tax on us. But anybody knows that a 3% tax on electric, and a 3% tax on water, and a 3% tax on gas actually adds up to a 9% tax." As the superintendent told me later, "That guy learned his math in the local school system, too."
Please take a moment to read this before continuing your work.
We have made a few changes since you were here the last time.
First we replaced some of the stuff you took last time, so you can get a new TV, VCR and Ninetendo game this time. Sorry you had to settle for older stuff before.
Jewelry! You got all the valuable stuff last time. My wife decided to carry with her whatever she has from now on, so if you want jewelry, you will have to find out where we are and break into my car. It will probably be in there.
She says to tell you that the pillow case you took to carry stuff in last time was part of a matched set of pillow cases and sheets. This time please get one that doesn't match or take the whole set so the insurance company can just replace everything. If she remembers she will have an unmatched one laid out for you to find. That way you won't have to mess up her bed.
I can't figure out why you took all my underwear last time, but if you need more, please leave me one set so I can wear clean underwear to town to buy replacements. Thanks.
Cash - There ain't much. Since we're gone, we're probably shopping and took most of it with us. You might find some in the piggy bank in my son's room.
I never did collect old guns or knives, so you're out of luck there. A neighbor a few miles down the road has a pretty good collection though. You might try his house. I did have some old coins but if you want to get more from me you'll have to give the ones I have now some more time to age.
If you came in through the window again, it is OK to just unlock the door and leave that way. It makes it a lot easier to get stuff out. By the way, thanks for not messing up or breaking anything you don't have to. And please close the door when you leave. That'll keep out the cold if its winter and the insects if it's summer.
If you get company, it's probably just the neighbors. I asked them to help me keep an eye on the house and stop by to visit if they saw any strangers around. They might be able to answer any questions you have about the neighborhood.
After your last visit I let some fast talking salesman talk me into buying one of those burglar alarm systems. It's probably a rip-off. He showed me how to install it. It's supposed to be sound activated. If you have made any noise at all, like breaking a window, talking, etc., It should have already placed a phone call to the sheriff's office and let them know that I'm being robbed. Don't let it worry you though. I doubt if the damned thing will work. Even if it does I don't know if the sheriff will pay any attention. Even if he does, he probably won't be in a hurry to get here and it will take him at least ten minutes to get here anyway. Oh, be sure to allow yourself enough time to get out of the driveway (it's pretty long.) and out to the main road before he gets here. Otherwise he may get your license number.
J. L. Strattout the appellee, recovered judgment against Tennessee Valley Authority, a corporation generally known as TVA, the appellant, for $200 in damages for the loss of a foxhound. TVA moved for an appeal.
As a ground for reversal of the judgment, it is now contended that prejudicial error was committed by the trial court's failure to direct a verdict for TVA.
Stratton, the owner of a blueblooded bitch, a foxhound of the first water, went fox hunting on TVA property on the first Saturday night of May, 1946. In the glory of this chase, the hound fell into an open well and was drowned. The top part of the well had been removed by TVA so that the well was just a hole in the ground, partly obscured by vegetation. No warning sign marked the location of the open well. Although this hound was a good one, she had not been licensed. And Stratton said she fell to her death in the early part of Sunday morning, an illegal time for hunting, the chase having continued through the better part of the entire night as frequently occurs in this pastime. Stratton had been in the habit of hunting over this TVA property, even occasionally going in company with TVA employees. Hunting had not been forbidden and every one knew hunters were perfectly welcome on this property.
 As all lawyers realize, three things must be alleged and proven in order to justify submission of an ordinary tort case to a trial jury for its discretionary verdict, viz., (a) damages, (b) negligence, (c) causal connection between the damages and the negligence.
 As to the first essential, we are quick to recognize that Stratton proved damages. In the great fraternity of fox hunters, a man's hound is a pearl of considerable price. A common man may freely enjoy without tax or ticket the open air symphony of the melodious harmony of a pack of hounds on a cool, clear night and therein find that life is good if not somewhat glorious. He often recognizes the distinct voice of his own dog and takes pardonable pride in the leadership of that dog running out there ahead of all the rest. He does not need psychic power to know that "Old Queenie" is really leading the whole outfit. The hound that runs the bushytail with enthusiasm is just a little lower in the fox hunter's affections than his children. And although habitual fox hunters toil but little and spin but spasmodically, yet Solomon in his palmiest days never had more of the wealth of real happiness than one of these fox hunters, a wealth to which the hound makes a mighty contribution. Sometimes a man goes fox hunting just for the music, sometimes he goes for surcease from unhappy home life, sometimes he goes in pure pride over the "best dog in the whole country." But under any of these conditions, the hound is worth its price and there is always a ready market for the ugliest flop-ear that ever ran a ridge, provided it has the skill, staying qualities and power to deliver the goods in a real race. Stratton had plenty of damage and we have no doubt that he proved it in a satisfactory way.
As to the second essential, we rather reluctantly meet our duty of saying that Stratton proved no negligence on the part of TVA. This reluctance springs from the fox hunting proclivities of some members of our court. Some of us are also fox hunters.
 The law, however, is well established in a case of this kind. Such established law recognizes that an owner of premises owes no duty to licensees except the duty of refraining from any wilful act of injury. Cummings' Admx. v. Paducah Grain & Elevator Co., 190 Ky. 70, 226 S.W. 345. Such established law also recognizes that a licensee must take the property of his license just as he finds it. Bales v. L. & N. R. Co., 179 Ky. 207, 200 S.W. 471.
 A license is an "authority of liberty given to do or forbear any act; permission to do something, etc." An invitation, on the other hand, is a "solicitation." See Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary.
[5,6] If Stratton had been an invitee instead of a mere licensee, TVA would have owed him and his hound greater duty, a duty of using ordinary care to keep its premises in safe condition. See Bridgford v. Stewart Dry Goods Co., 191 Ky. 557, 231 S.W. 22. But a person is not considered an invitee, as the term is ordinarily employed, when he is on premises for his own purpose rather than for some purpose beneficial to the owner of such premises. Sage's Admr. v. Creech Coal Co., 194 Ky. 415, 240 S.W. 42.
 All evidence on this trial indicates that Stratton was permitted rather than solicited to hunt on TVA property. Likewise, all of such evidence indicates that Stratton's hunting was done for the benefit of himself and his eager hound rather than for that of TVA. Therefore, Stratton and his good hound were licensees, not invitees, on the occasion of this chase. And so, TVA owed them no duty except that of refraining from any act of willful injury against them. And under these circumstances, the trial court should have directed a verdict for TVA.
It is not necessary to consider the third essential of this cause nor the unlicensed condition of Stratton's hound nor the illegality of his Sunday hunting on this occasion.
Wherefore, the motion for an appeal is sustained and the judgment is, for the reason recited, now reversed with directions for further proceedings consistent herewith.
For using these words appellant was convicted and fined $67.50 for having committed a breach of the peace, under a warrant issued by the judge of the Pulaski County court. Appellant appealed to the circuit court, and upon a trial in that forum, the appellant was again found guilty and fined $62.50 and the costs.
"Trifles, light as air,
"Are to the jealous confirmations strong
"As proofs of holy writ."
Regardless of how great is our loss by death, we must never let thoughts of our departed loved ones come between us and life. We owe it to the dead, to the living, to ourselves, to our families and friends, to carry on and not give away to moping or morbid thoughts.
Knowing Judge Fulton intimately for a long number of years and admiring his philosophy and courage as a judge and as a man, it may be appropriate to close these remarks with the words of Tennyson:
"Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea.
"Twilighted and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness or farewell,
When I embark."
In support of her charge of cruel and inhuman treatment, Mrs. Corrigan produced evidence tending to show that her husband had fallen into the habit of staying out most of the night on many nights, staying out the entire night on some occasions, staying away from home in poker games until late in the night or until early in the morning a few times, staying out long hours at night sometimes and then coming home full of beer, whiskey, raw onions or limburger. Her evidence showed that he would often call and say he was coming home and that he would then fail to arrive. And sometimes, as she stated, she would ask him where he had been and he would, by way of reply, only look at her. These were typical elements and instances of Corrigan's cruel treatment of her and they undoubtedly were, if accepted as true, sufficient to support Mrs. Corrigan's claim for divorce.
On the other hand, the former husband related that although he and Mrs. Corrigan got married 12 years ago, yet they never became one flesh. He said, in substance, that she was as cold as an Arctic snowdrift and that the marriage status between them was continually nominal in character rather than actual. He said that her love, if any, for him was always Platonic and that he was never once able to sell to her the idea of the desirability of a coition with him. He pointed to their childless condition as evidence sustaining his assertions. He explained that he continued this sexless marriage because he never quite abandoned his illusion of hope for a happier, more successful, future relationship and also because his religious conviction uncompromisingly denounced any thought of a divorcement of this marriage. He furthermore explained that before he ever understood his legal rights under these circumstances and before he had even mentioned Mrs. Corrigan's unwifely attitude of 12 years' standing to his attorney, he had executed their separation agreement which he says should now be vitiated by the court in this litigation.
By way of rebuttal, Mrs. Corrigan categorically, emphatically and repeatedly denied all of the evidence produced by her husband and his witnesses relating to any unwifely attitude on her part at any time. Their marital adventures began, she said, at the rate of three weekly experiences and continued without termination clear into the month of November preceding their final separation in December. And she also produced her own family physician who has examined her, has found her normal, has found every indication that hers has been an average married woman's sex life.
Thus, both the chancellor and this court have been faced with very conflicting evidence in this case relating to the serious questions at issue. She alleged and sufficiently proved a cause of divorce. He alleged but did not prove his malformation-impotence charge against her, but he did allege and also proved an abandonment charge against her, because this court has held that a renunciation of the true, normal, regular marital relationship by one spouse against the other constitutes an abandonment under the divorce law. See Evans v. Evans, 247 Ky. 1, 56 S. W. 2d 547; McQuinn v. McQuinn, 110 Ky. 321, 328, 61 S. W. 358.
But now the husband wants us, in dealing with this alimony question, to accept his story and to reject hers pertaining to this marriage relationship. To do this would have the effect of confirming as a normal probability the continuation by a husband for more than a decade in a marriage that was never anything but a sort of mockery. And yet, we are bound to realize that a 12 year continuity of such a situation would be contrary to all the natural probabilities. In marriage or even in a mere cohabitation without marriage, conjugal love has a very great cohesive power. Platonic love has none. King Solomon had 700 wives and he "clave unto these in love," but he would certainly have walked out on the whole bunch before breakfast had they renounced normal conjugality with him. Julius Caesar happily cohabited with Cleopatra, but he doubtless would have turned a sour face upon the Egyptian palace in short order had she sent him out to the barn to find a bed. Old man Franklin, Benjamin's father, sired and reared 17 children while living with Mrs. Franklin, but the world might still be groping around in the darkness of an unelectrified age, deprived of all the richness of that kite flyer's great life, had his mother merely lectured on Platonic love to her husband, because Mr. Franklin, under such conditions, would perhaps have caught a fast schooner for Georgia in search of some buxom belle with the sultry emotions of the deep south. Continuity of marriage for 12 years or 2 years or even 1 year without a coition of the parties is so abnormal, unnatural and improbable that we must consider that the chancellor was fully justified in rejecting this husband's evidence that this marriage lasted 12 long years in absolute continence.
Attorney Edwin L. Cohen of Louisville gave me the item in hopes that readers would enjoy it, and apparently you have. It seems that when the Paducah, Tennessee and Alabama Railroad was built through Marshall, Calloway and other Western Kentucky and West Tennessee counties, it traversed an almost unbroken forest and vast grazing lands teeming with cattle, hogs and other livestock, a great number of which were killed by trains, causing the railroad no end of trouble.
There was, at that time, a young attorney in Murray named Burrell B. Linn, a smooth-spoken, diplomatic and friendly chap, with a flair for getting along with farmers. Linn was retained as a claim agent for the railroad.
It is recorded that, back in the 1890s, when a train ran over and killed six people, he settled the entire claim out of court for $150 per person.
But at last he met his match, when a train struck a Tennessee farmer's pet bull. The following is said to be an exact copy of a letter the farmer wrote to the vice president of the railroad:
Mr. A. H. Dauchy, V. Prst. of yure ralerode;
This is the third letter I have writ you in regardst to my clame for enjury of my spotted bull, a pet of my fambly, which we named Daniel Webster, but which we called Buster for short.
I already told you twisct that yure trane hit my bull a-tween Holler Rock Junction and the second mile post comen this way. No reply from you except you sent me a blank to fill out -- and dam the blank. A Filerdelphia lawyer could not fill hit out.
As I said before frum whare the trane hit the bull it carried him a right smart peace beyond that pint. I tole you plane that the injine tore offen a peace of his hide averagen eight inches from his under lip then sorto zagonal over his shoulder and back, and then down his left side clear under to his nable on below part of his body.
The trane wheel also stripped off part of his hind hufes smack and smooth maken his fet very tender and sore so he can not walk good without me and my boy Joe holden him up with a pole when he travils to pond for water which is only about two rods off from where he is.
Before this axident he was a very threatening beast and mighty cantankerous. Since then he has a sad look and bawls most of the time, princepally at night disturbing us considerable. He don't eat scarcely anything except some dry meal because his jaws is mighty sore.
Tow of my nebors who I do not speak to say they will swar that this bull was struck by lighteen but they are a dam lie. He was hit by yure payoff speshial trane which come through my field a gallahooten at midnight of Mch. of the 20 with its whissle a screamen like hell.
Now if nothin was hitten by this trane why was it screamen like hell? You can't answer. Neither can they. Nor nobody.
Now lissen right clost. Me and Henry Hefferman has aprazed this bull of value at $eighteen dollars and six bits and he is as we say beyond doubtless a totle loss. Henry says he aint never saw sich damage to a bull in his day and time, and neither have I and my boy Joe says the same and we all say he will never be any more use for a bull hardly not even for befe.
So take notice of this. This is writ on Friday and maled on North bound trane. Onlessen I receve check in full . . . by a Thursday next I heard some people say that sum spikes are agoing to git loost from the rales of yure rode which will cause the rales to spred out when yure passenger trane number 104 cums along.
Then thar will be some big hedlines in the paducky papers saying that sum coches went into the barpit in my feld, that a injineer and farman were kilt and hurten sum passengers right bad and maybe yure dam conductor Aleck Fulton will get a leg broke or both legs and I don't give a dam for that either.
Further and more to that you nede not send that Pot bellied burl Linn yure clame agt. down here to settle with me and maybe talk me out of the whole buseness with honey words and honey words don't git no bakon at Stagners store over at Holler Rock Junction.
So you better send on the check as I advice you for I aint in no state of mind to be talked to or have my word disputen nor written you leters which don't git no answer.
P. S. Jest a slite hint. Effen you think you will git this case in Judge Harewoods cote you are offen your nut. Him and yure clame agt. is as thick as theves and I wuld sware him offen the bench in a minute for I seen him and yure clame agt. a playing pich trumps in Shorty Dugans sody warter place for sody warter they said but I guess it were for sumpin stronger for Shortys place aint nothen more or less than a salune and Shorty hisself saw this game if he will stick to what he said, which I very much doubt as burds of a fether always floch together in the cote house and I don't mean maybe.
Git that and git it good for you cant mess with me no longer.
The farmer got his check on the next train by special delivery, and claim agent Linn was later quoted as saying that if there had been air mail in those day, the check would have arrived within the hour.
Why, when a person drives to the health club for a workout, does he always try to park as close to the front door as possible?
1. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
2. I want some repairs doing to my gas cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. The toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until it is cleared.
4. The man next door has a large erection in his back garden. It is unsightly and very dangerous.
5. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third - so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.
7. Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the cistern fell on his head.
8. Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her regularly.
9. I need money to buy special medicine for my husband, as he is unable to masturbate his food.
10. In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer but with no results so far.
11. I am pleased to inform you that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.
12. Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital to have her overtures out.
13. Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.
14. My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regularly but he finds he is lethargic to it.
15. Unless I get my husband's maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.
16. The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.
17. Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and the milkman.
18. You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?
19. Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.
20. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
21. I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good at all. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.
22. I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain.
23. Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
24. Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are OK but those on the bottom are hurting dreadfully.
25. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a damn lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
26. I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.
27. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
28. The Lavatory is blocked. The boys next door throwing their balls on the roof caused this.
29. This is just to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.
30. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that! After all, it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had wound up doing what Anybody could have done!
From the imaginations of the people at NetSurfer's Digest:
"gullible" isn't in the dictionary, and you can confirm that by looking it up.
What do you suppose happened to the dinosaurs?
Probably wiped out by American 22nd century big game hunters.
Joe's Chevron station on the corner advertises computer wheel balancing. I think I'll take my computer down there.
Seen on a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!"
Ma loved Pa.
Pa loved wimmin.
Ma caught Pa
With two in swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
Here lies John Morris.
He did his damnedest.
What more can a man do?
Here I lie
No wonder I'm dead
For a broad wheeled Waggon
Went over my Head.
Grim Death took me
Without a Warning
I was Well at Night
And Dead in the Morning
15 March 1797
In Memory of
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
The outer wood
is very good;
We cannot praise
Winslow, Maine, 1837
Here lies the body of Nichlos Round
Who was lost at sea and never found.
Great Yarmouth, England c. 1790
Cripple Creek, Colorado c. 1875
Here Lies Joyce
She'd rather not
But no choice.
Ope'd my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn't like it
Went back to sleep.
found on a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England in 1949
Someone found this on a tombstone buried deep in the grass.
Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.
Pushing the grass aside a bit more, he found the following scratched on
the stone, done with a crude instrument:
To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!
Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates,
Who died Aug. the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And longs to be comforted.
We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you.
Rock Valley, Massachusets, circa 175-
From a graveyard in Aberdeen, Scotland
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.
Here lies my poor wife,
Without bed or blankit,
But dead as a door-nail,
God be thankit.
To the four husbands of Miss Ivy Saunders
1790, 1794, 1808, 18??
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three
Dumb as men could ever be
As for my Fourth, well, praise be God
He bides for a little above the sod
Alex, Ben, Sandy were the
First three names
And to make things tidy
I'll add his - James.
Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest
And so am I.
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
We have deep depth.
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
We made too many wrong mistakes.
On being told by the wife of New York Mayor, John V. Lindsay, that he looked cool despite the heat.
You don't look so hot, either.
All right, everybody line up alphabetically according to your height.
I made up my mind, but I made it up both ways.
Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
On players who did not drink:
It only helps them if they can play.
Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
On winning the 1958 World Series:
I couldna done it without my players.
On being asked how the Mets were doing:
Well, we've got this Johnny Lewis in the outfield. They hit a ball to him yesterday, and he turned left, then he turned right, then he went straight back and caught the ball. He made three good plays in one. And Greg Goossen, he's only twenty and with a good chance in ten years he'll be thirty.
On being asked about his future in the spring of 1965:
How the hell should I know? Most of the people my age are dead. You could look it up.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new Sweetheart's birthday. As they had not been dating very long, it was difficult. After careful consideration a pair of gloves would be appreciated, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his Sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of brown gloves, the sister purchased a pair of knickers for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the young man got the knickers. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his Sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time as, no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them in the upcoming year. I hope you will wear them on Friday night for me.
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the fellow said, "Already?"
"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes !"
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the accoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community.
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as "EuroEnglish" ("Euro" for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. At the same time, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesessary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
(Kum bak Esperanto - plis!)
New York Times News Service
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made bread without any ingredients. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. John Milton was a great author. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards, and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to have bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The assinator was John Wilkes Booth, an insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. He died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote very loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and then later he died.
-A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
-The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a nimber of times before I hit him.
-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.
-The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
-I told the policeman that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
-I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law in the other seat and headed over the embankment.
-I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car ahead, I struck the pedestrian.
-I just saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman when he bounced off the hood of my car.
-The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
-The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
-A pedestrian I did not see, hit me then went sliding under my car.
-The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I ran over him.
-The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you
can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marrital status?
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was
under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Have you ever been arrested?
Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw
you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought
you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever
seen him prior to that time?
JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.
Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently
identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
Q: How long have you known him?
Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as
State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did
you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?
Q: Please state the location of your right foot
immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.
Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.
Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and
veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of a gun -- and she did.
Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there
was because you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.
Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.
Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral,
Q: How old are you?
Nutritional tip: Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alchohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
I believe that professional wrestling is clean
and everything else in the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford
Whatever their other contributions to society,
lawyers could be an important source of protein.
-- Guindon cartoon caption
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man
and ultimately defeat him.
-- Russell Baker
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
-- Sylvester Stallone
If you can't laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people.
-- Bobby Slayton
Historical reminder: Always keep Horace before Descartes.
Economists are people who work with numbers, but who don't have the personality to be accountants.
No matter how cynical you get,
it is just impossible to keep up.
-- Lily Tomlin
I believe more people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
-- Nancy Reagan
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.
-- Soupy Sales
If you're gonna steal, steal from kin --
at least they're less likely to put the law on you.
-- Bret Maverick
It takes so little to ruin a perfect day: a stone in the shoe; a cockroach in the spaghetti sauce; a woman's laugh. -- H.L. Mencken
Time is the slippery, viscid, wavering tool of a malignant prestidigitator with nineteen thumbs.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
When the tides of life turn against you
And the current upsets your boat,
Don't waste those tears on what might have been,
Just lay on your back and float.
-- Ed Norton ("The Honeymooners")
Due to the shape of the North American elk's esophagus, even
if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word "Lasagna."
-- Cliff Clavin ("Cheers")
Did you hear about the two dyslexic theologians who sat around arguing about the existence of Dog?
Working rule #23 :
Go through the motions anyway; you might get lucky.
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
If Shakespeare had been in pro basketball he never would have
had time to write his solliloquies. He would always have been
on a plane between Phoenix and Kansas City.
-- Paul Westhead, basketball coach
A team is a team. Shakespeare said that many times.
-- Dan Devine, football coach
A piano is a piano is a piano.
-- Gertrude Steinway
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-- H. H. Munro (Saki)
I propose getting rid of conventional armaments and replacing
them with reasonably-priced hydrogen bombs that would be
distributed equally throughout the world.
-- Idi Amin
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody
to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
-- Sam Goldwyn
I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.
-- Chico Marx
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter
at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter;
second, telling other people to do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life,
unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
While you're saving your face you're losing your ass.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand
ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
-- Artemus Ward
Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
-- Marilyn Monroe, upon being served matzo ball soup 3 meals in a row.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another --
it is the same damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
The less things change, the more they remain the same.
-- Sicilian proverb
The brotherhood of man is no mere poet's dream;
it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.
-- Oscar Wilde
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-- Joseph Stalin
In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder,
and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the
Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of
democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? The coockoo clock.
-- from the movie "The Third Man"
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo,
discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus
setting a precedent that continues to this day.
-- Wayne Shannon
When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound,
is it always the book?
-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest Hemingway, while
trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it.
-- Guindon cartoon caption
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the
importance of turning around three times before lying down.
-- Robert Benchley
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-- Norm Crosby
It matters not whether you win or lose;
what matters is whether I win or lose.
-- Daring Weinberg
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-- Stewart's Law of Retroaction
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-- G. K. Chesterton
There are more horse's asses than there are horses.
The future is very much like the present, only longer.
-- Dan Quisenberry
It is better to deal with crooks than with fools, because the crooks sometimes take a break. -- Alexandre Dumas (the younger)
I could now afford all the things I never
had as a kid, if I didn't have kids.
-- Robert Orben
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-- Paul Gauguin
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
Proof that cats are smarter than dogs: You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
In America, anyone can become president.
But that's one of the risks you have to take.
-- Adlai Stevenson
Most of our future lies ahead of us.
-- Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
-- Ward Cleaver ("Leave It to Beaver")
You know what makes this country great? You don't have to be
witty or clever, as long as you can hire someone who is.
-- Ted Baxter ("The Mary Tyler Moore Show")
Actress Robin Givens has filed a libel suit against estranged
husband Mike Tyson, claiming he told a reporter that she was
after his money.... She's asking $125 million.
-- NBC News
You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone
If you have been in a poker game for 30 minutes and you still don't know who the pigeon is, the pigeon is you.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Success is having to worry about
every damn thing in the world,
-- Johnny Cash
I think I am beginning to understand something of it.
-- Auguste Renoir (his last words)
Do you think a man who knows his own value grants anyone
the right to criticize even his most trivial qualities?
-- Arnold Schoenberg
If there ain't no place to go, there's no way to take a trip.
-- "Dandy" Don Meredith
Society is merely everybody else,
and you don't owe everybody anything.
-- Thomas Berger
City ain't no place for a woman,
though a lot of pretty men go there.
-- W.C. Fields (in "The Fatal Glass of Beer")
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-- Harry S Truman
If you're good, you can do it anywhere --
even on the ground with a stick.
-- Alvin Doyle Moore
It is bad today, and it will be worse
tomorrow; and so on until the worst of all.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer
To ensure freshness, all foods are cooked from
scratch, which is subject to run out.
-- Dip's Country Kitchen (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
If you have to eat crow, eat it while it's hot.
-- Alben Barkley
Tome mucho cafe, fume un buen cigarro, y no se ocupe.
(Drink a lotta coffee, smoke a good cigar, and don't fret yourself)
-- The World's Oldest Living Peruvian (aged about 165)
Some people are so ignorant they wouldn't know how
to pour piss out of a boot -- even if the instructions
were printed on the heel.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
His Majesty does not know what the Band has
just played, but it is never to be played again!
-- King George V
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have
to be prepared to see some funny houses.
-- Stephen King (from "Rage")
If I'd've hit that many singles, I'd've worn a dress.
-- Mickey Mantle, 1985, reflecting on Pete Rose breaking Ty Cobb's record
The fact that many people prefer bad art to good art is not a matter
for criminal prosecution but an ingredient in the human comedy, one
by which other people will always know how to profit.
-- John Russell
What was was was! What is is is!
-- Sparky Anderson, 1986
Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it.
-- Erik Alfred Leslie Satie
If you can kill a snake with it, it ain't art.
-- Orcenith Lyle Bonge
The only thing one can be proud of is of having worked
in such a way that an official reward for your labor
cannot be envisaged by anyone.
-- Jean Cocteau
I told Jimmy Carter that Reagan's got just what this
country wants: a good head o' hair and a mean line o' talk.
-- St. Eom of the Land of Pasquan
The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.
-- I. F. Stone
90 percent of the worst human beings I know are poets. Most
poets these days are so square they have to walk around the
block just to turn over in bed.
-- Kenneth Rexroth
The race is not always to the swift,
nor the battle to the strong --
but that's usually the way to bet.
-- Damon Runyon
What got you here will get you out of here.
-- Joe Garagiola
It is a fine thing when a man who thoroughly understands
a subject is unwilling to open his mouth.
-- Yoshida Kendo
On the BBC there has been a spate of XVIIIc English composers, perhaps
to show us why they are unknown; and a careful selection of the worst
pieces of J.C. Bach set off with nothings by Frederick the Great. As
for poetry -- and as for readers -- the squalor is repulsive.
-- Basil Bunting
What dull barbarians are not proud of their dullness and barbarism?
Tutti Frutti, good booty
If it don't fit, don't force it
You can grease it, make it easy ...
-- Richard Wayne Penniman, 1955
People know what they do; they frequently know why they do what
they do; but what they don't know is what what they do does.
-- Michel Foucault
The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian
to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.
-- Gustave Flaubert
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors,
and laugh at them in our turn.
-- Jane Austen
I believe that if I ever had to practice cannibalism,
I might manage it if there were enough tarragon around.
-- James Beard
When one starts from a portrait and seeks by successive
eliminations to find pure form ... one inevitably ends
up with an egg.
-- Pablo Picasso
Each morning when I awake, I experience again a
supreme pleasure -- that of being Salvatore Dali.
Middle age is when you are faced with two temptations, and
you choose the one that will get you home by 9 o'clock.
-- Ronald Reagan
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton, Mayor of Ottawa
After ecstasy, the laundry.
-- Zen koan
Nothing we use or touch can be expressed in words that
equal what is given by the senses.
-- Hannah Arendt
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society, except
that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper,
and the old men and women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan
Ours is the age of substitutes: Instead of language we have jargon;
instead of principles, slogans; instead of genuine ideas, bright
-- Eric Bentley
Life -- the way it really is -- is a battle not between
Bad and Good but between Bad and Worse.
-- Joseph Brodsky
If you think that you can think about a thing, inextricably attached
to something else, without thinking of the thing it is attached to,
then you have a legal mind.
-- Thomas Reed Powell
I have spent all my life under a Communist regime, and I will tell
you that a society without any objective legal scale is a terrible
one indeed. But a society with no other scale but the legal one is
not quite worthy of man either.
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
-- Sam Ervin
It may be that we have all lived before and died, and
this is hell.
-- A.L. Prusick
Always look out for Number One
and be careful not to step in Number Two.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Men are superior to women. For one thing, they can
urinate from a speeding car.
-- Will Durst
I have known more men destroyed by the desire to have
wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have
seen destroyed by drink and harlots.
-- William Butler Yeats
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get
lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
-- Emo Philips
This gum tastes funny.
-- Sign on a condom machine.
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell
my children that, they just about throw up.
-- Barbara Bush
Being head of state is an extremely thankless job.
-- Bokassa I, former emperor of the Central African Republic, while on trial for infanticide, cannibalism, and torture.
Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen
got hit in the mouth by line drives.
-- Dan Jenkins
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things
no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving
America a new sense of purpose.
-- Andy Rooney
I don't want to achieve immortality by being
inducted into baseball's Hall of Fame. I want
to achieve immortality by not dying.
-- Leo Durocher at eighty-one.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
-- Lisa Grossman
Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words. -- Woody Allen
Capital punishment is our society's recognition of
the sanctity of human life.
-- Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah
When dealing with the insane, the best method
is to pretend to be sane.
-- Hermann Hesse
A society made up of individuals who were capable of
original thought would probably be unendurable. The
pressure of ideas would simply drive it frantic.
-- H.L. Mencken
When a true genius appears in the world, you may
know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in
confederacy against him.
Yes, there will be sex after death;
we just won't be able to feel it.
-- Lily Tomlin
Boredom is the bitter fruit of too much routine, or none at all. -- Brendan Francis
When you watch television, you never see people watching
television. We love television because it brings us a
world in which television does not exist.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich
Baseball is what we were; football is what we have become.
-- Mary McGrory
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name ?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without
sufficient capital to form a corporation.
-- Howard Scott
Why should we take up farming when there are so many
mongongo nuts in the world ?
-- African Bushman, quoted by Jared Diamond
I feel sorry for people who don't drink, because when
they get up in the morning, they're not going to feel
any better all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
I never took hallucinogenic drugs, because I never wanted
my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
-- Fran Lebowitz
People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented,
wealthy, internationally-famous genius.
-- Jerry Lewis
As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit,
her sweaty, 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on
top of her, Sister Marie thought, "There is no doubt about it; the
Pope has betrayed me."
-- entry in San Jose State's bad writing contest, 1983
Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing
your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
-- John LeCarre
Nebraska is proof that Hell is full, and the dead walk the earth.
-- Liz Winston
When Madonna grabs her crotch,
the social order is effectively transgressed.
-- Chip Wells, on his Ph.D. dissertation, "Like a Thesis: A Postmodern Reading of Madonna Videos."
Human beings were invented by water as a
means of transporting itself from place to place.
-- Tom Robbins
V.S. Pritchet, a reporter, is surely on of the worst in his field. In the 1920s, he took a job with the CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR, but, as he said, did not have a nose for news. "I simply didn't know what news was. I missed every important occasion. Even now I don't know what news is." When an irish cabinet minister resigned, he wrote nothing of it, because he 'couldn't see how it mattered.' In 1922, he went to cover a war in Morocco. It was suggested that he go see the rebel leader Abdul Krin in the hills, but he was terrified of being shot and stayed at home. "All I heard was a lot of gunfire in the evenings, but it was a lovely country."
----------- In 1897, the General Assembly of Indiana passed a bill stating that the mathematical symbol pi, (now known to be 3.142), was 4. During the short time this was in use, it caused extreme havoc. A pendulum clock would gain about 15 minutes per hour in this system.
----------- The ARGO MERCHANT is the absolute worst ship in history. These are some of the amazing feats it managed to accomplish in its 23 year history. It has collided with a Japanese ship, caught fire 3 times, and stopped for repairs five times. It has suffered a mutiny, circled Borneo continously, been towed to New York, and been grounded off Sicily. It was banned from the ports of Boston and Phildelphia and from the Panama Canal. It's boilers have broken down 6 times, and she has had to travel with two red lights, indicating to other ships that the crew has absolutely no control over her movements. After being lost for 15 hours, it sank off Cape Cod and caused the US's largest oil slick. When it happened, the crew had been navigating off the stars for 18 hours after the navigation machinery broke down.
----------- In 1978, several firemen came to the house of an elderly lady to rescue her cat from a tree. They succeeded and the woman invited many of them in for tea. After the impromptu get- together, the firemen left, running over the cat and killing it.
----------- Mr. Nicholas Scotti of San Francisco intended to visit his relatives in Italy. The plane took off and later made a fuel stop in New York. Mr. Scotti, believing that he had arrived, got off and spent two days in New York, thinking he was in Rome. The first thing he noticed was that his relatives were not at the airport to pick him up. He belived they had been caught in the heavy Roman traffic they mentioned in their letters. After cruising the city, he remarked that modernization had destoryed all of the landmarks and that everything was in english, spoken with a heavy American accent. He believed that this was for the multitudes of American travellers who apparently come to Rome. Mr. Scotti, who did not speak english very well, went on to ask a policeman the way to the bus station in italian. The policeman, who came from Naples, replied fluently in the same tongue. He was eventually handed over to the police for assisstance once the bus driver realized his mistake. Mr. Scotti was shocked that the Roman police did not have many Italian officers. When he was finally told he was in New York, he refused to believe it. "I know this is Italy," he replied, "This is the way they drive."
------------ The following are all true graffiti from around the world:
------------- In 1972, Derek Langborne lit a fire in his fireplace. He then went outside to fill his log bucket. When he returned, he noticed a flaming log had just rolled out of the fireplace. He carefully picked it up (it wasn't all flaming) and took it outside. He unwittingly brushed it against a curtain on the way out. He deposited the log on his driveway and returned to find his curtains and door on fire. While calling the Fire Station, he noticed that the log in the driveway had set fire to his car. He completed the call, and ran out to douse the car with a bucket of water. On the way, he tripped over a gas container and set himself on fire. Mr. Langborne survived with minor injuries and his house was saved.
-------------- In 1972, a woman in Calfornia got into a car for her drivers test. The first thing she did was mistake the accelerator for the clutch and plowed the car through the wall of the driving school, subsequently failing her test in the first half-second. She later on asked if she had passed.
-------------- In 1896, a Greek Orthodox Bishop who had been lying in state sat bolt upright in front of several mourners. "What are you staring at?" he asked them.
-------------- In 1933, a parisian burglar attempted to rob a house while dressed in 15th century armor. He thought it would scare the inhabitant, but it only managed to severely up his chances of being caught. He was, and his armor was damaged in the ensuing scuffle. The damage was of a kind that he could not get out of the armor for 24 hours, and had to go to court in it.
-------------- For three months in 1971, several robbers planned a post-office robbery down to the letter. When they finally attempted to pull it off, they leaped out of their car, only to realize the office had been closed for 12 years.
-------------- In 1631, a publisher printed a copy of the Bible with a slight misprint, such that the 7th Commandment read "Thou shalt commit adultery." The King was forced to recall the 1,000 printed copies and fine the printers 3,000 pounds.
-------------- A library book taken out in 1823 was finally returned in 1968, having amassed a fine of $2,464.
-------------- The following are some actual goofs from films which are still available to see on reel or VCR:
Lt. Hiroo Onoda of the Japanese army fought WW2 until March 1974. He remained on duty, guarding a remote isle in the Philippines for 33 years. He had no opposition, but assumed the Axis was winning the war. When, in 1945, 'COME HOME' letters were dropped on the island, he thought it was a Yankee trick to make him surrender. Even after he was found in March, it still took them 6 months to convince him the war was over.
-------------- The tiny agean nation of Andorra declared war on Germany in 1914 along with many other nations. However, the Versailles Peace Treaty failed to include the nation, and it remained at war with Germany throughout the 1920's and 30's. The country's army composed of 10 people, however, and it's military budget was 4 dollars per year for ceremonial blanks. The soldiers, however, wore pins reading "TOUCH ME IF YOU DARE", the country's national motto. In 1939, Andorra found itself involved in two world wars at once. A peace treaty was finally signed with Germany on September 25, 1939, during the invasion of Poland at the start of WW2. This document brought peace to the Andorrans for the first time in 44 years and officially ended the first world war.
-------------- Another WW2 story involves the Russo-German conflict. The Russians tried to devolop top secret "Dog Mines". They would train dogs to associate the bottoms of tanks with food. They would then tie mines to the dogs backs and let them loose when the Germans advanced. Unfortunately, the dogs only associated food with the underside of Russian tanks, and the plan was abandonned after it's first trial.
-------------- In February 1970, a swiss pornograher was taken to court for not being pornographic enough. His "sexually erotic books" contained mainly pictures of plants and furniture. He was sued by many irate customers and given ten months probation by the judge.
--------------- In a recent rape trial, the victim was asked to repeat what the attacker had said to her just before the attack. The language was coarse and the implications where crude, so she wrote the statement down due to her embarassment. The paper was passed to the jury to examine as evidence. One of the jurors had fallen asleep. The juror beside him, a beautiful young blonde woman, nudged him awake, and handed him the paper. He looked at it, smiled and winked at her, and put the paper in his pocket. When the judge asked for the paper back, he said it was a "personal matter".
-------------- During his divorce trial in 1978, a London window cleaner was asked what he and the "other woman" were doing with the lights out. He replied, "playing snooker". The judge replied that it was, in his opinion, difficult to play snooker in the dark, and then asked the man about the noises that came from the room as the night went on. The man explained, "they were an expression of surprise or disappointment made when playing a difficult shot." He was also asked why the woman was also seen naked from the waist down. He replied, "she was doing some sewing and repairing her slacks." The judge did not believe the defendant.
---------------- In 1976, a man intending to hijack a plane leaped from his seat and drew a gun on the stewardess. "Take me to Detroit!" he yelled, to which she replied, "We're already going to Detroit." The man paused, then replied, "Oh....good." He sat down and was never apprehended by police.
by Nicholas BielOn the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me, me expecting nothing neither.
On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.
Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days, what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes and makes me into Man.
He could see right away from the expression on my face I didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in this garden only I don't butter.
He brings me all the animals I should give them names-- What do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything you want," so I make names up--lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe--crazy but that's what he wants.
I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting by a pool of water admiring herself.
"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.
Actually I'm not pleased---from time immemorial nothing, now rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.
Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in the water.
Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there were all those fruit trees---she took a bite, I took a bite, the snake took a bite and quick like a flash--- out of the garden.
Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he don't want nobody eating his apples, that's his business.
What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.
I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me nothing like I was before-- and such a fuss for one lousy little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong, who's to blame?....Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient," Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."
But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."
But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.
Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite no apple.
All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the same, he should have known better, or at least he could have blown on other dust.
The prior concern over the endangerment of the subspecies known as the "Honest Lawyer" is an example of this. This subspecies is now considered to be extinct.
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H013944
Hit Count: UHC00000
Success count: USC0000
Publication code: PC50
Tip key: 025
Date created: 089/02/14
Date last altered: 089/02/15
Owning B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU
Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items.
P/N N33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N N33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
PSY2 8525SYSMISC 8530SYSMISC 8550SYSMISC 8560SYSMISC 8570SYSMISC 8580SYSMISC
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT, BOCA RATON, FL.
You have been at work for three hours before you notice your skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on Hold.
You get to work and find a 60 MINUTES news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
You start to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.
You turn on the Evening News and they are showing Emergency Routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
Your 4-Year-Old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover your 12-Year-Old's idea of humor is putting Crazy Glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the sound of running water... and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
You spend $75.00 at the hair dressers and when you get home your dog starts barking at you.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company party.
The bird singing outside your window is a Vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
Your Income Tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your husband says "Good morning Mary" ...and your name is Sharon.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
Your aunt Maudie who has two Poodles and a Chihuahua tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate... and you live in Arizona.
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money... from PG&E.
Air line food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
You compliment the Boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little motel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your spouse.
The Health Inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes... and no one has touched it.
You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.
You invite the Peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40... and you really are.
You notice dandruff... on your umbrella.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was Terrific" and you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.
:: You Know You're Getting ::
:: Old When... ::
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
You sit down to a rocking chair and can't get it started.
You regret all those times you resisted temptation.
You order Geritol-on-the-Rocks at the bar.
You think "Gay" means "Happy, Lively and Vivacious".
You look forward to spending a quiet evening at home.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
The last president you enjoyed voting for was Teddy Roosevelt.
You turned 39 before Jack Benny.
Your little black book has only names ending in M.D.
You need oxygen after blowing out your birthday candles.
Your mind makes agreements your body can't meet.
You finally get it all together and can't remember where you put it.
You start eating Bran Flakes and Prune Juice for breakfast.
You remember today that yesterday was your Birthday.
You get worn out dialing long distance.
You buy a health club membership and don't go.
You have more hair on your chest than on your head.
You just can't seem to get around to Procrastinating.
Your favorite newspaper column is "25 Years ago Today".
You don't need an alarm clock to get up at 6 A.M.
You need a Fire Permit to light all the candles on your Birthday cake.
A Fortune Teller wants to read your face.
It takes you an hour to undress and another hour to remember why.
After painting the town red, you have to wait a long time before applying a 2nd coat.
You burn the Midnight oil by 9 P.M.
You get your exercise being a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
Anything under a quarter isn't worth bending over to pick up.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever you see a sexy girl go by.
The little old lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get winded playing checkers.
You sink your teeth into a Thick, Juicy Steak and they stay there.
The only whistles you get are from the teakettle.
Your favorite TV personalities are Sid Caesar, Milton Berle, and Lucille Ball.
You need a smaller house with a bigger medicine cabinet.
Work becomes more fun and fun becomes more work.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You think you've been complimented when you're called "Square".
The gleam in your eyes is the sun reflecting off your bifocals.
You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You finally get to the top of the ladder, but it's leaning against the wrong wall.
INSTRUCTIONS: Each question below contains the initials of words that will
make it correct. Find the missing words. For example:
26 = L. of the A. would be 26 = Letters of the Alphabet.
a. 26 = L. of the A.
b. 7 = W. of the A. W.
c. 1001 = A. N.
d. 12 = S. of the Z.
e. 54 = C. in a D. (with J.)
f. 9 = P. in the S. S.
g. 88 = P. K.
h. 13 = S. on the A. F.
i. 18 = H. on a G. C.
j. 32 = D. F. at which W. F.
k. 90 = D. in a R. A.
l. 200 = D. for P. G. in M.
m. 8 = S. on a S. S.
n. 3 = B. M. (S. H. T. R.)
o. 4 = Q. in a G.
p. 24 = H. in a D.
q. 1 = W. on a U.
r. 5 = D. in a Z. C.
s. 57 = H. V.
t. 11 = P. on a F. T.
u. 1000 = W. that a P. is W.
v. 29 = D. in F. in a L. Y.
w. 64 = S. on a C. B.
x. 40 = D. and N. of the G. F.
26 Letters of the Alphabet
7 Wonders of the Ancient World
1001 Arabian Nights
12 Signs of the Zodiac
54 Cards in a Deck (with Jokers)
9 Planets in the Solar System
88 Piano Keys
13 Stripes on the American Flag
18 Holes in a Golf Course
32 Degrees Farenheit at which Water Freezes
90 Degrees in a Right Angle
200 Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly
8 Sides on a Stop Sign
3 Blind Mice (See How They Run)
4 Quarters in a Game or Quarts in a Gallon
24 Hours in a Day
1 Wheel on a Unicycle
5 Digits in a Zip Code
57 Heinz Varieties
11 Players on a Football Team
1000 Words that a Picture is Worth
29 Days in February in a Leap Year
64 Squares on a Checker Board
40 Days and Nights of the Great Flood
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Alabama family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and hadn't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home. Said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your father -- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the local cemetary.
About your sister -- she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for four days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two boys was in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more often.
P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Signs of the Times
On October 13, 1944, the Durham N.C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."
Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:
"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."
"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a lawabiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."
"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need to be re-signed:
At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm!" "Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." ?--Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No 3 children allowed!"
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center." 2
In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses--no waiting."
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multipacks."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits-- $10.00--They won't last an hour!"
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
On a North Carolina highway: "EAT" "300 FEET"
On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
On a New Hampshire highway: "You 5 are speeding when flashing."
On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnels No. End."
In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast of thousands!"
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit Emory A. Tuttle"
On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."
In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."
On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impasable."
Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
Kentucky is a very interesting state if you happen to be interested in it.
Compared to the fish there, people have been visiting Kentucky Lake for only a drop in the bucket.
Population is Louisville's main cause of overcrowdedness.
Once upon a time it happened that there was this spot on the map called Louisville that some people came to. Pretty soon some more people came and made the spot bigger. Then it grew bigger and bigger. Then bigger and bigger and bigger. And that is about the size of it up to this morning.
People such as humans have children while cities such as Louisville have suburbs.
Louisville is a town that has many ways of transporting. It is a very popular tourist place because it is easy to leave and go some place else from.
They had many Boom Towns settled by Daniel Boom.
Early Kentucky settlers found abundant forests there. Everybody had abundant them to go live in Louisville.
Daniel Boone was one of Kentuck's four fathers.
He was born in 1734, supposably on his birthday.
Boone expired in 1820 and later died from this.
The shore line of the Ohio River would reach much farther if they would straighten it out. But we must cut government spending somewhere.
Louisville will be completely under water in a few million years. Just wait and see.
Henry Clay is a famous American from there that few people have ever heard of.
Rumor has it that some terrible monsters live in the Mammoth Cave. These monsters are called spelunkers.
Lake Barkley has saved many lives by people not trying to swim across it.
Kentucky is 40,000 in round figures and square miles.
Kentucky is really the Bluegrass State. But me and a lot of other people still catch ourselves calling it Kentucky.
One of their best imports is tourists.
North of Paducah it has been found that railroad travel is faster by boat.
I know only one state that has more grass than Kentucky. Can you think where that is? Sure! Or at least that is where I would say.
Do you believe what I used to believe about Kentucky? Well, it is not true.
Kentucky keeps map makers from going crazy because if they drew Kentucky there without it really being there, they would be crazy.
Fortunately, Kentucky and Tennessee fit snugly together.
Kentucky is for living in or passing through depending on whether you are people or Highway 65.
Question: "Where is Kentucky?"
Answer: "On page 72."
Tennessee is just south of Kentucky at the present time.
Lake Kentucky not only has a lot of fish but also a lot of tourists, so it is about six of one and one for all.
How the Mammoth Cave ever got made that way is just to admire, not to really understand.
The statement below is false.
The statement above is true.
There is three errers in this sentence.
Can you find them?
To make God laugh, tell him your plans.
The War of the Minds consists of a number of battles. Each battle is made up of four questions, each on a different subject. The war is won by the first player to get 640 points or the first player to get 320 points ahead of his nearest competitor.
Points are accumulated by winning questions. The winner of a question is the first player to send the correct answer. Players are limited to one set of answers per battle. A set of answers can answer any number of questions in the battle from one to four. Points are accumulated faster by winning more questions in a single battle.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! (7) ! ! ! ! ! (5) ! ! ! (3) ! (1)This game is for two players.
The stack of Diamonds is called the "Diamond Mine". The black cards in each player's hand become his bankroll. The object of the game is to capture Diamonds as they become available by each player bidding on them from his bankroll and placing cards won face up in his "stash" on the table. The winner at the end of the game is the player with the highest Diamond point total in his stash.
Diamonds count points as follows:
Bankroll cards rank 2 through 10, Jack, Queen, King, Ace from lowest to highest.
To begin play each player fans his cards face down and allows his opponent to draw one card which is discarded unseen.
At this point there remain 13 cards in the Diamond Mine and 12 cards for bids in each player's hand or bankroll.
The top card in the Diamond Mine is turned face up and becomes available for bidding. Each player examines his bankroll, chooses one card and places it face down in front of him. After both cards are placed they are turned face up and become the player's bid for the Diamond. The player who has bid the highest card wins the Diamond and adds it to his stash fanned face up on the table. In case of a tie bid the Diamond is discarded. Cards bid are left visible face up on the table throughout the game.
Play continues for 12 rounds by turning up the next Diamond in turn and placing bids. The last Diamond is never turned or available for bid.
At the end of play the player with the highest total card points in his stash is the winner.
For added interest the loser may be required to pay the winner one penny or one dollar for each point difference between the two stash totals.
This is a game of psychology because the winner will be the player who can best anticipate the bid of his opponent.
I have written and made available a computer
program in which you can play "Diamond Mine" against the computer. The
program is about 27K bytes. It is an MSDOS exe file.
Click here to download the program.
Variation: Count diamonds equally as 1 point each and dispense with drawing and discarding the two black cards at the beginning so that all 13 diamonds are available.
A party card game best for four to seven players
May be played by as few as two players.
The dealer shuffles the deck of cards, lets the player to his right cut the cards and deals seven cards to each player beginning at his left. The rest of the deck is discarded for that round. In each subsequent round one less card is dealt to each player so that on the second round each player gets six cards, etc. A game may, therefore, consist of up to seven rounds. The dealer for each round is the player who captured the most tricks in the previous round. If two or more players tie for most tricks captured, the dealer is determined by those players drawing for high card.
The winner of the game is the last player remaining. To continue play in the game a player must capture at least one trick in each round. If a player fails to capture at least one trick in a round he is out of the game and must set out the rest of play for the remaining rounds of that game.
After examining his hand the dealer declares one suit as trumps for that round and plays a card face up on the table to lead off the first trick. Each player in turn beginning to the dealer's left then plays a card face up on the trick. Each player must play a card of the same suit as the lead card if he can. If not, he can play any card. The trick is won by the player who played the highest card of the lead suit unless a card of trump suit has been played. In that case the trick is won by the player who played the highest trump card.
The winner of a trick then leads off play for the next trick.
Options for more interesting play:
O T T F F S S
What is the next letter?
One student, described as a "Big Project man," didn't come up with an answer but did offer a plan for a series of precise experiments that would yield an accurate answer in six to nine months. Another student, an advocate of the practical approach, went out and bought a roast, an oven thermometer, and a watch. He wrote his report while munching medium-rare roast beef sandwiches. A third student used logic. Reasoning that animal tissue is mostly water and therefore should have about the same specific heat and conductivity, he applied heat transfer theory to produce his answer (it proved, incidentally, to be quite close to that of the second student). The quickest answer, however, came from a student who called his mother on the phone and got the answer from her. Which of these men promises to be the most effective engineer?
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1 2 3 XXXX 4 ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- XXXX ---- XXXX 5 XXXX 6 ---- XXXX ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- XXXX XXXX 7 ---- XXXX ---- XXXX ---- ---- ---- XXXX 8 9 XXXX XXXX XXXX ---- ---- ---- ---- XXXX XXXX 10 XXXX 11 12 13 ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- ---- ---- XXXX XXXX XXXX 14 ---- XXXX XXXX XXXX ---- ---- ---- 15 XXXX 16 XXXX ---- ---- XXXX ---- ---- XXXX ---- Across 1. Area in square yards of Dog's Mead 5. Age of Martha, Father Dunk's aunt 6. Difference in yards between length and breadth of Dog's Mead 7. Number of roods in Dog's Mead times 8 down 8. The year the Dunks acquired Dog's Mead 10. Father Dunk's age 11. Year of Mary's birth 14. Perimeter in yards of Dog's Mead 15. Cube of Father Dunk's walking speed in mph 16. 15 across minus 9 down Down 1. Value in shillings per rood of Dog's Mead 2. Square of the age of Father Dunk's mother-in-law 3. Age of Mary, Father Dunk's other daughter 4. Value in pounds of Dog's Mead 6. Age of Ted, Father Dunk's son, who is twice the age of his sister, Mary, in 1945 7. Square of the breadth of Dog's Mead 8. Time in minutes it takes Father Dunk to walk 1 1/3 times around Dog's Mead 9. The number which, when multiplied by 10 across, gives 10 down 10. See 9 down 12. Addition of the digits of 10 down plus 1 13. Number of years Dog's Mead has been in the Dunk family
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Using these facts, determine the names of the men playing the various positions on the baseball team.
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What color was the bear that tore up his camp?
The clues are all there.
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xxiii ----- = ii vii
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A B C D E x 4 --------- E D C B A
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How many pupils were in the class?
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Mrs. Abbott: Mrs. Denny and I wanted to go earlier in the week but there wasn't a day when we could both take care of our errands. Mrs. Briggs: I didn't want to come today but tomorrow I couldn't do what I have to do. Mrs. Culver: I could have gone yesterday or the day before just as well as today. Mrs. Denny: Either yesterday or tomorrow would have suited me.Which place did each woman need to visit in town?
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"An English officer, after a gruesome experience during the Boxer rebellion in China some years ago, fell asleep in church during the sermon. He was dreaming that the executioner was approaching him to cut off his head, and just as the sword was descending on the officer's unhappy neck his wife lightly touched her husband on the back of his neck with her fan to awaken him. The shock was too great, and the officer fell forward dead."
"An interesting story", I said, "but, of course, it could never have happened in that way."
What is the problem with the story that convinced me that it never happened?
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"Not long, Señor."
"But its only ten o'clock in the morning. Why did you return from fishing so early?"
"Because, Señor, I have caught as many fish as are necessary to support my family for today."
"Then how will you spend the rest of the day?"
"I will go home, play with my kids for a while, take a siesta with my wife, and then have a good dinner. Afterward I will go down to the cantina where I will pick my guitar and then play cards with my friends."
The businessman said, "Well you are in luck, because I have a business degree from Harvard and I can tell you how to make a success of your life. You should fish until four or five in the afternoon."
"Why would I do that, Señor?"
"Because, by doing so you can catch enough fish to sell to make extra money which you can save until you get enough to buy a larger fishing boat and hire a helper. With the larger boat and the helper you can catch even more fish enabling you, one day, to own a fleet of fishing boats. With the fleet you will be able to make enough money in a few years to buy the fishing cannery, cutting out the middle man and increasing your profits. With the extra profits your enterprise will grow large enough in several years that you can set up a company headquarters in New York and soon you will be able to offer stock in your company on the stock exchange. Once you are listed on the stock exchange you can find a buyer and sell out for a very large fortune."
"But, Señor, how long would this take?"
"Oh, about fifteen or twenty years."
"What would I do then, Señor?"
"Why, then you would have enough money to retire to a little seaside village, perhaps here in Mexico. You could get up each morning without a care in the world. You could do a little fishing and have time to play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, eat a good dinner and then go down to the cantina, play your guitar, and spend time with your friends. Life would be wonderful."
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Answer to Sequence
Answer to Time and Tide
Answer to Dog's Mead
3 8 7 2 0 X 5 4 X 9 1 X 4 4 0 X 2 X 3 8 4 X 1 1 1 0 X X 7 2 X 1 9 1 8 9 X X X 7 9 2 2 7 X 1 6 X 9
Answer to Bang
Answer to Batter Up
Answer to Taking Sides
Answer to Bear Hunting
Answer to Moving Matches
xxii __ ----- = ii ( or pi) vii
Answer to Fork in the Road
Answer to Multiplying by 4
a. The puzzler realizes that, since A multiplied by 4 yields only a one- digit answer, it must be either 1 or 2.
b. Since E x 4 must yield an even number, A must be 2.
c. Since the only numbers that, when multiplied by 4, yield a figure ending with 2, are 3 and 8, E must be either 3 or 8.
d. Since A x 4 cannot be 13 -- i.e., cannot be a two-digit number -- it must be 8. Therefore E is 8.
e. Since a 3 is carried over to D in the top line, it must also be added to D in the answer. We can see that B x 4 must yield a one-digit number. That means that B must be either a 1 or a 2. If it is a 2, then with the 3 added to it, D would be 11 -- impossible. So B must be 1.
f. Now consider D. The question here is simple: What number, when multiplied by 4 and enlarged by the carried 3, will yield a number ending in 1? Two numbers fill the bill: 2 and 7. Since we already know that B is 1, the missing number must be 7.
g. The B in the top line must have a carried 3 add to it in order to yield 7 in the answer, so C, when its carried 3 is added to it, must be at least 30. The only numbers that will work, therefore, are 7, 8 or 9. A little experimentation shows that 9 is the missing number.
21978 x4 ----- 87912
Answer to Biblical Arithmetic
Answer to Spooked
Answer to Shopping in Luncyville
Answer to Homeward Bound
Answer to Hotel Problem
Answer to Loose Cash Problem
Answer to Sudden Death
Answer to Epitaph
Answer to Water Lilies
Answer to Cutting the Cake
Also from Andrew Patton for 'cutting the cake', you could also cut it once, stack it on itself, cut it again, and then stack and cut it again...8 pieces. I was thinking, the cake doesn't necessarily have frosting on it, it could be a pound cake, so it's not definitely a bad idea....Whereas your solution, well, nobody would eat a slice of cake that looked like that. hehe, just kiddin'.
If you should survive to a hundred and five,
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive.
Fairy tales can come true.
It can happen to you.
If you're _______________________?
Name the poem and the poet?
After Harry wins the third toss, Joe begins to think. "The coin has landed heads three times in a row. It is very unlikely that a coin tossed would land heads four times in a row. (The actual odds are 1 in 16.) I have lost 30 cents. I need to regain my losses."
Joe says to Harry, "I will bet you one dollar against your 50 cents that the coin will not land heads again."
Should Harry take the bet? Explain?
"Welcome, to the kingdom of the West-Wind! Long have I been waiting for you! Youth is lovely, age is lonely, Youth is fiery, age is frosty; You bring back the days departed, You bring back my youth of passion, And the beautiful Wenonah!"Who was this fictional boy of nature and environmentalist?
The Devil, we're told, in hell was chained, And a thousand years he there remained, And he never complained, nor did he groan, But determined to start a hell of his own Where he could torment the souls of men Without being chained to a prison pen. So he asked the Lord if he had on hand Anything left when He made the land."Well it happened that the Lord did have plenty on hand but he told the devil that "the stuff is so poor, I don't think you could use it in hell any more."
But the devil went down to look at the truck, And said if it came as a gift, he was stuck; For after examining it careful and well He concluded the place was too dry for hell. So in order to get it off his hands God promised the devil to water the lands.Where was this God forsaken place?
Beneath this snowy mantle cold and clean The unborn grass lies waiting For its coat to turn to greenWho or what?
Speaks to me of flowers That will bloom again in spring When I was young my heart was young then too Anything that it would tell me That's the thing that I would do But now I feel such emptiness within For the thing that I want most in life's The thing that I can't winClick here for an audio clue.
Although I know it's strictly taboo When you arouse a need in me My heart says, "Yes, Indeed" in me Proceed with what you're leading me to It's such an ancient pitch But one that I'd never switch For there's no nicer _________ than you.Fill in the blank (one word).
I've got no defense for it The heat is too intense for it What good would common sense for it do?What is it? (It's the name of the song.)
Beware the ides of March.Why? What may happen then?
He has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.Who?
Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.Who is the speaker?
What is the game?
Name the work and the artist?
From my youth upwards My spirit walk'd not with the souls of men, Nor look'd upon the earth with human eyes; The thirst of their ambition was not mine; The aim of their existence was not mine; My joys, my griefs, my passions, and my powers, Made me a stranger; though I wore the form, I had no sympathy with breathing flesh, Nor midst the creatures of clay that girded me Was there but one who- but of her anon. I said with men, and with the thoughts of men, I held but slight communion; but instead, My joy was in the Wilderness, to breathe The difficult air of the iced mountain's top, Where the birds dare not build, nor insect's wing Flit o'er the herbless granite; or to plunge Into the torrent, and to roll along On the swift whirl of the new breaking wave Of river-stream, or ocean, in their flow. In these my early strength exulted; or To follow through the night the moving moon, The stars and their development, or catch The dazzling lightnings till my eyes grew dim; Or to look, list'ning, on the scatter'd leaves, While Autumn winds were at their evening song. These were my pastimes, and to be alone; For if the beings, of whom I was one,- Hating to be so,- cross'd me in my path, I felt myself degraded back to them, And was all clay again.Name the work and the author? Where was the character when he said these words?
When the hurlyburly's done,Who will do what in thunder, lightning or in rain? Where? With whom?
When the battle's lost and won.
Ere the set of sun.
"At once a cook, and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig."
Were you ever out in the great alone, when the moon was awful clear, And the icy mountains hemmed you in with a silence you most could hear; With only the howl of a timber wolf, and you camped there in the cold, A half-dead thing in the stark, dead world, clean mad for the muck called gold; While high overhead, green, yellow and red, the North Lights swept in bars --
This land is mine, God gave this land to me This brave and ancient land to me And when the morning sun reveals her hills and plain Then I see a land where children can run free So take my hand and walk this land with me And walk this lovely land with me Though I am just a man, when you are by my side With the help of God, I know I can be strongClick here for an audio clue.
A bag contains a counter, known to be either white or black. A white counter is put in, the bag is shaken, and a counter is drawn out, which proves to be white. What is now the chance of drawing a white counter?
Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog. What are these So wither'd and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, And yet are on 't? Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air.Identify the work and the author?
The game of life is hard to play I'm going to lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay And this is all I have to say, ...................... The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give a seat For that's the only painless feat, ...................... The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins but as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger - watch it grinClick here for an audio clue.
Material Analysis -------- ------- Muriate of potash 0-0-60 DAP 18-46-0 Urea 46-0-0 Ammonia nitrate 34-0-0 Sulfate of potash 0-0-50If they mix my bulk fertilizer from DAP, Urea, and Sulfate of potash, how much actual material will be applied to my 2 acre tobacco patch?
"Stop," says the second man. "I know their ages."
What are they?
Straight overhead the orb of noon Beat down with brimstone breath: The desert wind from south and west Was blistering flame and death. .............................. We feasted high there And had much milk and meat. The tables groaned to give us power Wherewith to save the wheat. Our beds were sweet alfalfa hay Within the barn-loft wide. The loft doors opened out upon The endless wheat-field tide. I loved to watch the windmills spin And watch that big moon rise. I dreamed and dreamed with lids half-shut, The moonlight in my eyes. For all men dream there By noonday and by night, By sunrise yellow, red and wild, And moonrise wild and white. The wind would drive the glittering clouds, The cottonwoods would croon, And past the sheaves and through the leaves Came whispers from the moon.Who wrote these words describing what place?
Boy Meets Girl 1994 Burn Hollywood Burn 1998 With Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, Ryan O'Neal, Jackie Chan Catchfire (aka Backtrack) 1991 With Dennis Hopper & Jodie Foster Death of a Gunfighter 1969 With Richard Widmark Dune 1984 TV version Fade In (aka Iron Cowboy) 1968 Ghost Fever 1987 Hellraiser IV: Bloodline 1996Since 1967 he has been credited with over 50 movies and TV shows. Who is this, not so famous, director and when was he born?
A law was made a distant moon ago here July and August cannot be too hot And there's a legal limit to the snow here The winter is forbidden till December And exits March the second on the dot By order summer lingers through September The rain may never fall till after sundown By eight the morning fog must disappear The snow may never slush upon the hillside By nine PM the moonlight must appear
Where the old Flotilla lay: .................. Where the flyin'-fishes play, An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!
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Let me have men about me that are fat; Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights: Yond ...... has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.Specifically where, in what literary work?
I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning, when nobody calls. Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and threw them out the window in disgust. If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
The number of times the digit 0 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 1 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 2 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 3 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 4 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 5 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 6 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 7 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 8 appears in this puzzle is ______. The number of times the digit 9 appears in this puzzle is ______.
What is this picture?
Well, that mockingbird's gonna sail away, We're gonna forget it. That big, fat moon is gonna shine like a spoon, But we're gonna let it, You won't regret it.
Officer, officer, there they are-- Dolores Haze and her lover! Whip out your gun and follow that car. Now tumble out and take cover.
Cards - Three 52 card decks plus six jokers - 162 cards Aces rank high only. Twos and Jokers are wild. Cards other than wild cards are natural cards. Threes (and sometimes fours) are stoppers.
Deal - Draw for deal. Low card deals or winner of last game deals. Deal passes to the left. The dealer shuffles the cards, lets the player to his right cut the cards and deals one card at a time to each player beginning at his left until each player has the proper number from the table below. The remainder of the pack is the stock with one card turned face up to start the discard pile.
# of cards canastas Players playing on deal to go out 2 individually 15 4 3 individually 13 3 4 individually 11 2 5 individually 9 2 4 2 partnerships 11 5 6 2 partnerships 7 5 6 3 partnerships 7 3Play - Each player beginning with the player to the dealer's left draws, melds or lays off (optional) and discards. Discard is optional if going out. (see below) To meld is to play a set on the table in front of oneself. To lay off is to add to a set already melded. The discard is always one card from the hand placed face up on the discard pile. The discard pile is always fanned. Discarding ends a player's turn and play passes to the left.
Sets are three or more cards of the same rank called a group or three or more in sequence of the same suit. Wild cards can substitute for any natural card but wild cards are not declared and can be anything needed in the meld. For example in a 7, 8, wild card sequence, the wild card can take the place of either a 6 or a 9 and if a six is played it then becomes either a 5 or a 9. A set must have at least two natural cards and can never contain more than two wild cards unless it is a wild card set.
The draw may be two cards from the stock or a player may take from the discard pile instead as below:
If the top card of the discard pile cannot be layed off it may be taken alone.
However, if the top card can be layed off and he takes it the player must lay it off or use it in a new meld and take all cards in the discard pile as well.
Or, he can take any card below the top card in the discard pile and all above it, but the bottom card taken must be melded immediately. A card taken from within the discard pile can only be melded with at least two natural cards from the hand. In this case, the player should first lay down the natural cards from his hand, then play the bottom card taken from the discard pile before picking up the cards above it.
A canasta is at least seven cards in a set.
Stoppers cannot be played or taken from the top of the discard pile into the hand. They may be discarded. Two stoppers in the hand prevent a player going out.
Sets may be combined when they adjoin properly even across the table with a partner's set.
A joker played on the table may be exchanged for a card from the hand provided the card from the hand replaces the joker in the set.
Once played, a card (except jokers when replaced) may never be removed from a set.
A player may not lay off on another player's meld except in partnership play as below.
Three or more wild cards may be melded as a wild card set. A wild card set may contain any number of twos and jokers but its point score is doubled if they are not mixed in the same set.
Going out - A player may go out ending play for that hand only if he has at least the required number of canastas and plays or discards the last card in his hand. If a player, otherwise able to go out, discards his last card and does not say, "I'm out.", play continues.
If the stock is exhausted without any player going out, the discard pile except the top card is shuffled and turned over to form a new stock and play continues until only one card remains or only stoppers remain or a discarded card is taken and discarded completely around the table without being played or kept.
Partnership play - if four or six play, they may play in partnerships of two or three and a partner may play on his partner's sets. On his turn a player may ask his partner, "May I go out?" and he is bound by his partner's answer. Either partner of a partnership may go out if the partnership has the required number of canastas but not before. Partners may not discuss their hands or strategy during play.
Score - Cards played count plus point value. Cards in hand count minus point value. Canastas in hand count minus also. Canastas in hand must be counted as highest possible value. A game consists of seven hands or play until one player has accumulated at least 4 times the winning score of the first hand plus 1000 points or until the highest scoring player has a cumulative score of at least 1000 more than that of his closest opponent.
Card Points 4-7 5 8-10 10 Face cards 15 Aces 20 Twos 20 Jokers 50 Threes 50 Fours (if stoppers) 100 Canasta: Mixed 100 with wild cards or Natural no wild cards 7 - 8 cards 200 or 9 - 10 cards 300 or 11 cards 400 or 12 cards 500 Going out 100Wild cards in an unmixed wild card set count double.
1. Red 3's and 4's option - stoppers
Fours are played under the same rules as threes except that if caught in the hand fours count minus 100 points.
Three or more red threes or three or more red fours may be melded at any time. A three or four meld may not, however, contain any wild cards. Black threes or fours may not be melded. Melded threes count plus 50 points and melded fours count plus 100 points. No three or four may be taken from the top of the discard pile nor may they be taken as the bottom card from the discard pile to be melded immediately. They can only be taken with other cards. If an entire meld of threes or fours is of the same suit, it counts double.
2. Three of a kind option
If a group of the same suit other than stoppers or jokers are melded alone then they count 50 points each rather than their normal point value. These melds may, of course, be combined later if desired but they would then revert to their normal point value.
3. Take up option
If a player takes any card in the discard pile and all above it, the bottom card taken must be melded immediately. In this case, the player should lay on the table the bottom card taken, pick up the cards on the discard pile above it and then play at least two more cards with the bottom card to complete the meld. The meld must include at least two natural cards but can also include up to two wild cards. None of these cards have to be from the hand originally but can be.
4. Third Stock Card option
If a player declines to take from the discard pile but instead to draw from the stock, he first turns the top card of the stock face up and discards it to the top of the discard pile. He then draws his two cards from the stock, plays and discards. This option adds complexity to the game and less control by the players, particularly good in two player games.
5. Dead card option
If a player takes two cards from the stock, he then takes another card, turns it face up and places it aside on a fanned dead card pile. Cards in this pile are out of play for the remainder of the game. This variation is best for two player games or two partnership games. If this option is played 1 less canasta is needed to go out. It is optional whether the dead cards are shuffled in with the discard pile if the stock becomes exhausted.
6. Auction option
After he has drawn but before he plays any cards or discards a player may lay any number of cards from his hand face up toward the center of the table as an offering. Then each player who is not his partner beginning with the player to his left may pass or place any number of cards or no cards face up toward the center of the table as a bid. The offering player may then choose any bid and exchange the offering for the bid or he may reject all bids and put his offering back into his own hand. Only one offering may be made per player's turn.
7. Extra discard option
As soon as a player discards he turns up the top card from the stock and puts it on the discard pile completing his turn. This variation lends more chance to the game and less control by the players.
8. Odd man option
If there are 3 or 5 players, in any hand after the first the players with lowest scores may elect to play partners against the player with the highest score. If this is done the partners each get half the score made by the partnership at the end of the hand. If there are five players the 2nd highest score must partner with the lowest score and numbers 3 and 4 must partner. With 3 players partners must have 5 canastas to go out. With 5 players they must have three.
9. Money option
When the game is over each loser pays the winner or winning partnership 1 cent for each point difference between their score and the winner's score.
My favorite Albany Canasta includes options 1, 2, 3, and 9.
Also option 5 if there are only two players.
Game rules by Duane Bristow http://www.kyphilom.com email@example.com March 28, 1993 Albany Canasta Score Sheet - Game/Date ________________ Options: ________________ Player: 1 2 3 4 5 6 Hand number: 1 dealer 1 Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ play to: Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 2 dealer 2 Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 3 dealer __ Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 4 dealer __ Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 5 dealer __ Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 6 dealer __ Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ 7 dealer __ Going out _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ - In hand cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Canastas _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ + Played cards _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Hand Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Game Total _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Difference from highest _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ Circle each winning hand. Circle game winner's name or number. If playing partners write scores only in 1st two or three columns. # of cards canastas Players playing on deal to go out 2 individually 15 4 3 individually 13 3 4 individually 11 2 5 individually 9 2 4 2 partnerships 11 5 6 2 partnerships 7 5 6 3 partnerships 7 3Score - Cards played count plus point value. Cards in hand count minus point value. Canastas in hand count minus also. Canastas in hand must be counted as highest possible value. A game consists of seven hands or play until one player has accumulated at least 4 times the winning score of the first hand plus 1000 points or until the highest scoring player has a cumulative score of at least 1000 more than that of his closest opponent.
Card Points 4-7 5 8-10 10 Face cards 15 Aces 20 Twos 20 Jokers 50 Threes -50 Fours (if stoppers) 100 Canasta: Mixed 100 containing any wild cards or Natural containing no wild cards 7 - 8 cards 200 or 9 - 10 cards 300 or 11 cards 400 or 12 cards 500 Going out 100 Wild cards in an unmixed wild card set count double. An unmixed wild card canasta counts double. (no jokers)
Last revised May 2011.
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All contents copyright (C) 2011, Duane Bristow. All rights reserved.